I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
