great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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