Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
