tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
