It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
