things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
