i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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