Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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