Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Welp...herpes.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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