he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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