I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
