I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
