Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
