Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
