we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
