Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
