there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
