haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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