Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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