Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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