I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
