I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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