I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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