Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
