mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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