so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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