my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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