Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
