I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
