Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
