I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
