Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
