I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
