With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
