So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
