3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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