He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
