I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
