She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
