you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize