dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
