Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
