Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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