I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My Higher Power is John Stamos
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
