i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
