chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
