remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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