Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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