I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
