I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
