If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
