spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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