I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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