dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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