Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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