Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
