dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize