Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
