it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
