why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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