i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
