I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
