Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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