I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
