He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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