Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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