come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
